I do not have a good relationship with my Ma. Which is unfortunate, because I am the 'child' that she now has to rely on since Pa died. She lives alone, and has carers come in 4 times a day. I telephone twice a day and visit every week. We both try, and to some extent, we succeed, but it seems that we just don't get on really. Never have. Allied to that, her increasing signs of dementia, with confusion and forgetfulness and repetition is something I struggle to deal with...I know I'm doing wrong when I sometimes, in frustration, say 'you told me that four times earlier today'.....and mostly I keep my thoughts to myself...but I am her 'you're just like your father' and not in a good way child. So yes, I don't always hold my tongue, but I really really try. It is a work in progress.
Yesterday though, we had a telephone call that was longer and sweeter than any other, and we both enjoyed it. Not because we spoke nicely to each other or shared any tenderness of thought or feeling, or managed not to get 'prickly' with each other. You see Ma is blind, and she spends all day listening to the radio. It seems that a carer had come whilst she was listening to something and had Ma 'missed the end...what happended?'. She had been listening to Tess of the D'Urbevilles and was asking lots of questions about a book I must have read over 50 years ago. So I said to her 'hold on' and fired up the laptop for a version of the story...which I read to her, over the phone. I read, and I could 'hear' her listening....the 'mmmm' every now and then, and the questions, and for me the remembering, and for her, hearing a story that was new to her. It was magical.
Dear Libby,
ReplyDeleteHow brave of you to write this.
It certainly cannot be an easy situation for you and, perhaps, your mother. Inevitably, the mix of emotions ranging from love and loyalty to frustration and resentment must all be there. And, inevitably, a feeling of hopelessness on both sides.
However, how lovely that you did experience such a tender moment as the one you describe here. Try to keep such times in mind rather than dwelling on the difficult occasions and challenges which are surely yet to come. Take each day as it comes.
Thank you both. Such moments are indeed very rare and so all the more cherished. As you say taking each day as it comes is in fact the only way to go...the last few years have shown me that..but I'm here. X
DeleteThose sort of moments mean a lot when seen through the haze of the many not so easy exchanges don't they?
ReplyDeleteThey certainly do Rachel. I am aware of how you miss your Mother, and I keep telling myself how lucky I am to still have Ma in my life..but oh goodness it is mostly a difficult dance we do. x
DeleteYou are a wonderful daughter to be there for your Mother. Always remember, nothing is 100% perfect and tense moments/exchanges occur. I am glad you shared some good moments and hope there will be more to come.
ReplyDeleteWell Susan wonderful isn't the word for me in truth but I do try..thank you.
DeleteYou met the occasion. Good, quick thinking to have a solution. Can you get her audio books, too? From the library?
ReplyDeleteHi Joanne. thank you. Over the years we have tried every kind of solution...audio books, tapes and cd's and truth be told, she doesn't want any of them. The recent purchase of an Alexa seems to be doing the trick for her at the moment, but I suspect she just enjoyed the 'being read to' from me.
DeleteQuite emotional, reading your post. You are wonderful to your ma, and in this instance you gained something back.
ReplyDeleteI'm really not wonderful...but we just have to rub along as best we can (in between the shouting and sulking and falling out) and that is why that time on the telephone was so special..it was good for both of us.. x
DeleteOh my, so many emotions that can all exist at the same time. I find that when dealing with an aging and challenging parent and/or family member, it is best for me and for them that I have no expectations of either of us. I've been taught that expectations are "resentments under construction," and how very true for me. Before my Mom passed, I did envy other mother/daughter relationships where they seemed to adore each other. That was not the case for me and my Mom. Try not to ever judge yourself about your relationship with her. Love yourself and her the best way that you can.
ReplyDeleteWelcome Karla, and thank you for your kind comment.
DeleteResentments under construction...what a wonderful expression. I'm guessing you understand the 'not adoring each other' feelings well. Thank you.
I'm glad you have this moment to remember. Amidst all that is difficult, an uncomplicated, quiet encounter is balm to the soul.
ReplyDeleteWe are in desperate need of balm to the soul just now aren't we? all of us in one way or another. I do try to remember that moment, and thank you for your comment.
DeleteMy mother was 90 in January. Sometimes she has the wisdom of Solomon. Sometimes she is as stubborn as a stubborn thing. I've learned to be patient and understanding these days but it's taken a lot of work on my part to come to this stage because I know that she's not immortal. It's been a difficult road though. I think you're doing great with yours. xxx
ReplyDeleteHello Anne, thank you for your kind words. I know you understand. I am impressed that you can be patient and understanding...I must be so very many miles behind you on this challenging road! X
DeleteIt must be very hard for your mom being blind, frustrating, and then if you say the indications are there of dementia, well that's got to make everything worse for both of you. It's lovely that you read to her though - I'm sure it's a moment you will both treasure!
ReplyDeleteHello Treaders, thank you for your kind words. Sadly I doubt that she even remembers the moment. It is also sad that we don't like each other, and that goes back as far as I can remember. How harsh that sounds when typed out ...but true.
DeleteHi Treaders. Ma has a little sight left, but not enough for her to be able to function independently, which is why the radio is her best friend. It just seems to be such a strange fate for both of us that the children she adores are not the ones that live nearby and can care for her in any way.
ReplyDeleteRelationships with parents are sometimes reexamined with illness. I didn't realize how many issues I had with my mother, until she was deep into dementia
ReplyDeleteHello Travel, thank you for your comment. Sadly I think many many people are experiencing issues.
DeleteMy husband's dad had vascular dementia, and learned to go along with whatever was real in his dad's mind, rather than correcting him. It was easier for both and actually freeing in its way. My grandmother in her end times would ask the same question repeatedly; eventually I learned to just answer it repeatedly. I never particularly got along with her but made myself available to help and be with her in her last years, and have never regretted it. You won't, either, being there for your mom. -Kate
ReplyDeleteHello BB, thank you for your comment and kind words. I do know that the right way would be to just listen and agree, but there is a small part of me resisting this...but I try.
DeleteWhat a bittersweet read. I had to catch myself many times during many conversations with my mother not to give her grief for repeating herself. In her mid-seventies she began to slip and, much to her remaining children's dismay reignited a relationship with our sperm donor (he needed money and his wife- the woman he left mom for eons ago, passed away). She's gone now, and I'll always believe he had a hand in it. I'm so glad for you that your interaction with your mom was a more pleasant, positive one. Let's hope there'll be more to come.
ReplyDeleteHello Baf, thank you for your comment. It must have been very difficult to go through seeing that relationship re-occur. Well done for 'not giving her grief'. I think our relationship is fraught and will not greatly improve...but more calm and pleasant times would be good.
ReplyDelete