Wednesday, January 19, 2022

Knowing it makes no sense doesn't help...

 Although I chose her clothes, and had trusted that the Funeral Directors had dressed her in them, yesterday, at the funeral, as we stood by the graveside, I couldn't help but wonder if she was warm enough down there deep in the earth.

Friday, December 17, 2021


 On Tuesday of this week, the 14th, my older sister died.

In the same hospital where earlier this year, on the 14th of a different month, our mother died.

The same experience of death.

It crossed my mind as I drove home, distraught and sobbing, that in certain situations, for instance War, people possibly saw death almost too frequently to even take it in...that it became something they just acknowledged, or didn't......that it was too commonplace and inevitable to notice.

Let alone to cry over.

And I also wondered about how I could possibly and truly believe in two separate and different things at the same time......absolutely ........that there is no God and once you die you are just an empty skin and bone mass to be disposed of,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,and yet at the same time believed that there is some sort of 'other place' and existence to go to.

I only know that as I stroked her face and kissed her, I whispered to her 'can you see mom? shes's there waiting for you...go to her darling....go to her'

And she did.

Friday, May 14, 2021


Ma died this morning.

She had a fall nearly 3 weeks ago and was in Hospital, where I have been for most of the time......she had a bleed on the brain and was too old and frail for brain surgery.

Letting 'nature take it's course' for the last week she has had no hydration, food, water or medication of any kind.

Watching someone die ...... It isn't quick and clean and quiet and is painful and noisy and smelly and frightening and sad and feels inhumane.

Time stretches and slows down and speeds up and hovers and becomes air that you can feel.

In the brief period of her rallying last weekend she told me how much she loved me.

A turbulent fractured relationship.....but through holding her hand and kisses on her soft familiar face I knew I loved her too.

Saturday, March 27, 2021

Today I choose..........

 Not to dwell on how my sister (71) is staying temporarily with Ma, and I am the Nurse Ratched (sp?) to both of them now.....grim times at Needs Dusting Towers.

Instead I am asking if anyone (perhaps the expert Tom?) can suggest how I can make the path to my home look a little less horrible, now that I have had a water meter fitted and this concrete eyesore is how it looks now. I imagine I could replace the whole path somehow but as funds are limited I was curious about a quicker cheaper fix...a stain of some sort?

To be honest, I truly don't need to be irritated EVERY time I approach my own front door, and remember that the workman said 'it will weather in ........eventually'. 

Monday, February 22, 2021


 I do not have a good relationship with my Ma. Which is unfortunate, because I am the 'child' that she now has to rely on since Pa died. She lives alone, and has carers come in 4 times a day. I telephone twice a day and visit every week. We both try, and to some extent, we succeed, but it seems that we just don't get on really. Never have. Allied to that, her increasing signs of dementia, with confusion and forgetfulness and repetition is something I struggle to deal with...I know I'm doing wrong when I sometimes, in frustration, say 'you told me that four times earlier today'.....and mostly I keep my thoughts to myself...but I am her 'you're just like your father' and not in a good way child. So yes, I don't always hold my tongue, but I really really try. It is a work in progress.

Yesterday though, we had a telephone call that was longer and sweeter than any other, and we both enjoyed it. Not because we spoke nicely to each other or shared any tenderness of thought or feeling, or managed not to get 'prickly' with each other. You see Ma is blind, and she spends all day listening to the radio. It seems that a carer had come whilst she was listening to something and had Ma  'missed the end...what happended?'. She had been listening to Tess of the D'Urbevilles and was asking lots of questions about a book I must have read over 50 years ago. So I said to her 'hold on' and fired up the laptop for a version of the story...which I read to her, over the phone. I read, and I could 'hear' her listening....the 'mmmm'  every now and then, and the questions, and for me the remembering, and for her, hearing a story that was new to her. It was magical.

Thursday, February 18, 2021 or not to free.........

 Who knew I liked celery? I certainly didn't until very recently. I used to love onions and garlic and now I can't really 'get along' with either. My goodness me, as if the eating of toffees, crocheting,  and starting to look at that funny little supplementary magazine that comes with the newspaper (the one with socks and reading glasses and ads for vitamins) wasn't enough of a clue that I am well on my way into OAP land, I am now trying to be gluten free. Why? because as I used to say on my other blog, I have an arse/belly/hips combo that is ...well...bigger that it all should be. I thought the belly might be bloating, so I'm trying the gluten free route. I am very well aware that I could just eat less cake/chocolate and move my arse more, but really, times are hard, this girl has to grab some happy where she can...please don't judge me! More movement is planned, and I now don't eat whole bars of chocolate, just a few squares.

In reality of course I am trying to 'be brave' and move myself forward into better ways of thinking and doing and being. So, as the Spring approaches, I want to try to make myself feel better about myself. I had a long walk this morning. Yesterday I bought myself a new lipstick. As soon as it opens, I want to book an appointment at the hairdresser. I am trying, with my thoughts, not to 'dress rehearse for disaster' but to only be concerned with the here and now and what I can and cannot control.

Really, each and every day I'm just trying to do the best I can with the light I have to see by.

Thursday, February 11, 2021

Thank you nurse.....

I wore a sleeveless top so that I could be quick and there would be no time delaying 
stripping off.
I wittered on about being nervous and then......whoosh....all over. 
I was 'jabbed' this morning.
Thank you to all involved.